Anxiety

It’s that feeling of not wanting to approach a stranger to ask for directions because you’re afraid they will brush you off.

It’s that feeling of seeing a familiar face at a party and being hesitant to walk up because you don’t want to bother them, because what if they don’t remember your interactions as fondly as you do.

It’s that feeling of inviting a close friend over to your home, and despite having a great time every time you see each other, wondering if they’re comfortable, if they really want to be there, what they’re thinking about you, if you’re talking too much. Because maybe this time around it’s different.

It’s that feeling of wondering if you should go for the kiss, then spiraling in reflection back on other girls you’ve interacted with and how you could have done things differently even though you know that isn’t productive. And losing focus of the current conversation and being left with awkward silence.

Anxiety sucks. In the past three months, I’ve experienced every scenario listed above and will likely continue to experience them for the rest of my life unless I get a brain transplant. For a long time, I’ve tried to fight against it. Rationalize my way around “this isn’t productive. Here’s what you should do instead”. But all that has ever done in the long run is create more anxiety and give a platform for my inner critic to become even harder on myself.

This feeling is not unique to me, but seldom discussed. Especially in a city of bright lights, always having somewhere to go, and being surrounded by activity, anxiety spikes higher while empathy for it decreases. That despite the universality of it, the feeling becomes even more isolating.

If I were to name this chapter of my life in my mid-20s, it would be “learning to live with yourself”. That yes, despite all the progress I’ve made to mask anxiety through tactics like learning pickup back in the day, anxiety will be something I likely live with for the rest of my life. But in gaining comfort with my thoughts and really exploring them, there is beauty as well. As much as anxiety causes me to triple-think social situations, it’s also helped me be more reflective and grow as a person. And as much as I continue to accept my own anxiety and realize others feel the same, when these moments flare up at parties, I become more comfortable easing into the background and becoming an observer rather than trying to push through it and attempt to disguise my own weakness.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still times today I wonder how much easier my life would be without anxiety (a thought ironically probably driven by anxiety). But instead of trying to push the boulder up the hill only for it to fall back down, practicing accepting myself for who I am has slowly helped turn my inner critic into my inner champion.

My high school English teacher always said to end writing with a “call to action”. If writing this has reminded me anything, is that everyone is facing demons that you have no idea about. The interesting thing is as I continue to accept my own anxiety, this has invoked empathy as I interact with others, as a reminder that snap judgments are only temporary. And to encourage myself that as I too have shortcomings, to try to understand people for who they truly are, not for who I judge them to be.

Much love everyone.